Wednesday, May 5, 2010

short, mousy, and awkward...

It's been over a year since I have updated this blog and a lot has happened....

I am now the mother of a baby boy named Jasper Boone and I am extremely happy :) It took Zach and I over two years to conceive so we were very excited to find out we were having him (that is another story for a future blog post).

During my pregnancy I thought a lot about what kind of mother I wanted to be (as I am sure most pregnant women do). Pregnancy is a very emotional time, and for me it brought up a lot of childhood memories. I thought about all the things I went through and about how I don't want Jasper to have to endure those situations.

To start, I don't want this blog to seem like an attempt to evoke feelings of pity, I am essentially just trying to be open and honest. Secondly, it is not my intention to bash and/or criticize my parents behaviour, as I am fully aware that people are flawed, including people who happen to be parents.

When I was younger I was very short, mousy and awkward... I also had horrible teeth, which fueled many insecure feelings. I went to school and looked around at other girls, with their hair in ribbon, cute out-fits, and neatly packed lunches, and I felt...separate.


Most of my friends were boys...Why? Because, I didn't feel comfortable around girls, and any girl that I befriended ended up trading me in for trendier, more put-together girls. This of course isn't the case now, I have wonderful friends and many of them female :)

My mother didn't wake up with me in the morning, that was the job of my step-Dad (a wonderful man, who married my mother and and loved me as his own daughter). Before he came along there were many mornings that I woke up before my mom and attempted to fix myself cereal, I won't tell you how young I was when this happened....too young.
Most days my dad woke me up, made sure I was dressed and fed, and put me on the bus to school. Considering that a man saw me off to school every morning, it's safe to say that I was a hot-mess most days :) I had crazy hair and clothes that often didn't match....don't even get me started on picture days....that was a whole other story. My mother wasn't a girly, doting, do-your-hair kinda lady. She had her strong points and weak points, and unfortunately most of her weak points contributed to my awkwardness and insecurities.

Many people say that being an only child is a blessing....I say no.

When you are an only child, you are the trial-run to siblings that never happen. You are the child that everything happens to, the one that all the mistakes are made.

I was frequently left to my own devices and this meant I was put in many dangerous situations. I have had multiple stitches due to falling on my face, getting bit by a dog, and getting hit by a's amazing that I am still alive.
Lesson learned: Don't ever leave your child alone at the house, no matter how mature you think they might be.

My childhood wasn't all bad....sure there are many things that i would do differently as a parent, but I know that my parents have regrets and that they did the best that they knew at the time. I know I didn't have it near as bad as many children do. I didn't live in an abusive home, and my mom and dad loved me the best that they could.

I don't think there is a family on this planet that doesn't have some level of dysfunction...and I am sure that those little girls that I thought were so perfect and pristine had families that had their share of problems.

There are many days when I look on my childhood and think about the sad points, and it makes me want to make sure that Jasper never feels like he is an after-thought, or a burden. I chose to have him, and along with that decision I chose to make sure he always feels loved and wanted. I want him to go to school with as much confidence as I can instill, but I also want to prepare him for a world that isn't always loving. He is laying across my lap right innocent (and cute I might add:). As soon as I saw his sweet little face, I wanted him to feel loved and wanted. Every day of his life I want him to feel loved unconditionally. When he is being a brat, I will remember the feeling that I had in the hospital when I got to hold him for the first time and I felt overwhelming love mixed with fear. I am entrusted with this sweet little boy and I am so thankful for him. I pray everyday that Zach and I will be able to give him everything he needs, and hopefully we won't screw him up too badly :)

Jasper is the coolest person I have ever met and I am so blessed that I get to be apart of his life.

Now If you'll excuse me, I have to change a very stinky diaper.