We all make plans, and the excitment of these plans brings us to a place that makes us think that we have some sort of control. This "control" we think we have is false. I am going to admit something right now that is pretty monumental: If i had a dime for every situation that I trusted God, I would probably have like 3 cents.
Although this is a little bit of an exaggerated statement, it has a element of truth, even when I thought that i was whole-heartedly trusting God, there was still a measure of doubt.
Doubt, even in small amounts can contaminate every corner of the mind, creeping in like shadows. That is the way I picture doubt; a bright room with a dark cloud slowly moving in, and once it's in, it camps out.
There is so much more going on in the world than my problems, this I understand, but then human nature kicks in and my world seems to crumble brick by brick. It "seems" to crumble, that is the operative word. I mean, it's not really crumbling, by all accounts its fine, but here I am hoping things will go a certain way, and God's like "Whoa, Wait a second, this is the way I want things", and I was the one who said I wanted His will in my life, so I deserve everything I get :)
I am pretty amazed that God would even care about little ol' me, but thats who He is. He is the shepeherd that goes after the one sheep. He knows every hair on my head. He had a plan for me before I was even conceived.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." jer. 29:11
I have probably heard this scripture more times than I can count, which means I have no excuse for doubting.
I have had a life that has been filled with ups and downs, like anyone else. I feel like i have been fighting an up-hill battle, I have experienced a lot of things that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (although, it pales in comparison to things that are going on in the world) and I have always felt the need to be independent, that i could take care of myself. This philosophy is not Christ-like and I am aware that I just simply need to trust.
I have been to the place where I just wanted something to come easily, this will never happen. Nothing worth having is ever easy,and being an aspiring musician is not remotely easy. It is a tumultuous road filled with pit-falls, and plans that fall through, and people that think you're crazy. There is never a sense of security.
Sure, there are times when I want the white picket fence, the comfortable job, the 2 week vacation, but what I want to do doesn't fit in the 9-5 mold. I want to have security and food on the table like everyone else, but i also want to make music and have a family. I guess that means that I am an impractical idealist who needs to find a healthy medium.
I guess we'll see twenty years from now if i am crazy or not.
I will be hoping and trusting along the way.