Comparisons...

So I feel like a total emotional girl right now. Why? Because I have this uncontrollable urge to compare myself to others. Most of my friends are more educated than me and I keep thinking I should go back to school. What are my motives for this thought? I mean, right now, my priority is and should be my son, Jasper. This is a time that I am never going to get back, he is so small and will only be this small for a short amount of time. Going back to school can wait. If it is God's plan for me to do so, then it will feel right at the right time.

I had a wonderful talk with some of my church family last night and they pretty much encouraged me to embrace my role as a mother and really enjoy this time that I have with Jasper.

I have faith that God will continue to lead and guide me in the right direction.

I need to stop comparing myself to others and just be secure.

This is easier said than done.

short, mousy, and awkward...

It's been over a year since I have updated this blog and a lot has happened....

I am now the mother of a baby boy named Jasper Boone and I am extremely happy :) It took Zach and I over two years to conceive so we were very excited to find out we were having him (that is another story for a future blog post).

During my pregnancy I thought a lot about what kind of mother I wanted to be (as I am sure most pregnant women do). Pregnancy is a very emotional time, and for me it brought up a lot of childhood memories. I thought about all the things I went through and about how I don't want Jasper to have to endure those situations.

To start, I don't want this blog to seem like an attempt to evoke feelings of pity, I am essentially just trying to be open and honest. Secondly, it is not my intention to bash and/or criticize my parents behaviour, as I am fully aware that people are flawed, including people who happen to be parents.

When I was younger I was very short, mousy and awkward... I also had horrible teeth, which fueled many insecure feelings. I went to school and looked around at other girls, with their hair in ribbon, cute out-fits, and neatly packed lunches, and I felt...separate.

Different.

Most of my friends were boys...Why? Because, I didn't feel comfortable around girls, and any girl that I befriended ended up trading me in for trendier, more put-together girls. This of course isn't the case now, I have wonderful friends and many of them female :)

My mother didn't wake up with me in the morning, that was the job of my step-Dad (a wonderful man, who married my mother and and loved me as his own daughter). Before he came along there were many mornings that I woke up before my mom and attempted to fix myself cereal, I won't tell you how young I was when this happened....too young.
Most days my dad woke me up, made sure I was dressed and fed, and put me on the bus to school. Considering that a man saw me off to school every morning, it's safe to say that I was a hot-mess most days :) I had crazy hair and clothes that often didn't match....don't even get me started on picture days....that was a whole other story. My mother wasn't a girly, doting, do-your-hair kinda lady. She had her strong points and weak points, and unfortunately most of her weak points contributed to my awkwardness and insecurities.


Many people say that being an only child is a blessing....I say no.

When you are an only child, you are the trial-run to siblings that never happen. You are the child that everything happens to, the one that all the mistakes are made.

I was frequently left to my own devices and this meant I was put in many dangerous situations. I have had multiple stitches due to falling on my face, getting bit by a dog, and getting hit by a car....it's amazing that I am still alive.
Lesson learned: Don't ever leave your child alone at the house, no matter how mature you think they might be.

My childhood wasn't all bad....sure there are many things that i would do differently as a parent, but I know that my parents have regrets and that they did the best that they knew at the time. I know I didn't have it near as bad as many children do. I didn't live in an abusive home, and my mom and dad loved me the best that they could.

I don't think there is a family on this planet that doesn't have some level of dysfunction...and I am sure that those little girls that I thought were so perfect and pristine had families that had their share of problems.

There are many days when I look on my childhood and think about the sad points, and it makes me want to make sure that Jasper never feels like he is an after-thought, or a burden. I chose to have him, and along with that decision I chose to make sure he always feels loved and wanted. I want him to go to school with as much confidence as I can instill, but I also want to prepare him for a world that isn't always loving. He is laying across my lap right now....so innocent (and cute I might add:). As soon as I saw his sweet little face, I wanted him to feel loved and wanted. Every day of his life I want him to feel loved unconditionally. When he is being a brat, I will remember the feeling that I had in the hospital when I got to hold him for the first time and I felt overwhelming love mixed with fear. I am entrusted with this sweet little boy and I am so thankful for him. I pray everyday that Zach and I will be able to give him everything he needs, and hopefully we won't screw him up too badly :)

Jasper is the coolest person I have ever met and I am so blessed that I get to be apart of his life.

Now If you'll excuse me, I have to change a very stinky diaper.


:)

Uncertainty, we're so acquainted.

We all make plans, and the excitment of these plans brings us to a place that makes us think that we have some sort of control. This "control" we think we have is false. I am going to admit something right now that is pretty monumental: If i had a dime for every situation that I trusted God, I would probably have like 3 cents.
Although this is a little bit of an exaggerated statement, it has a element of truth, even when I thought that i was whole-heartedly trusting God, there was still a measure of doubt.
Doubt, even in small amounts can contaminate every corner of the mind, creeping in like shadows. That is the way I picture doubt; a bright room with a dark cloud slowly moving in, and once it's in, it camps out.
There is so much more going on in the world than my problems, this I understand, but then human nature kicks in and my world seems to crumble brick by brick. It "seems" to crumble, that is the operative word. I mean, it's not really crumbling, by all accounts its fine, but here I am hoping things will go a certain way, and God's like "Whoa, Wait a second, this is the way I want things", and I was the one who said I wanted His will in my life, so I deserve everything I get :)
I am pretty amazed that God would even care about little ol' me, but thats who He is. He is the shepeherd that goes after the one sheep. He knows every hair on my head. He had a plan for me before I was even conceived.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." jer. 29:11

I have probably heard this scripture more times than I can count, which means I have no excuse for doubting.

I have had a life that has been filled with ups and downs, like anyone else. I feel like i have been fighting an up-hill battle, I have experienced a lot of things that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (although, it pales in comparison to things that are going on in the world) and I have always felt the need to be independent, that i could take care of myself. This philosophy is not Christ-like and I am aware that I just simply need to trust.
I have been to the place where I just wanted something to come easily, this will never happen. Nothing worth having is ever easy,and being an aspiring musician is not remotely easy. It is a tumultuous road filled with pit-falls, and plans that fall through, and people that think you're crazy. There is never a sense of security.

Sure, there are times when I want the white picket fence, the comfortable job, the 2 week vacation, but what I want to do doesn't fit in the 9-5 mold. I want to have security and food on the table like everyone else, but i also want to make music and have a family. I guess that means that I am an impractical idealist who needs to find a healthy medium.
I guess we'll see twenty years from now if i am crazy or not.
I will be hoping and trusting along the way.

It's 2:55am

I want to have something to offer the world, even if it is a small something.

changes.

Christmas will be the last day in my little town house and a new journey will begin. 2009 is going to be a year of changes. Save the ship(the band i am in), is embarking on an adventure. We are all getting our ducks in a row and saving in order to move around summer time...our destination of choice is Cleveland, TN. Our reasoning behind this change is that it will be much more economical for us as a band to live somewhere other than panama city, fl.
We picked the state of Tennessee because it is bordered by something like 8 states, which makes a lot of sense for a touring band. We would also be central to a lot of major cities. Cleveland is where we recorded the last time and we all thought it would be a great place to live, plus the cost of living is pretty low there.
The town house that me and zach own and are currently living is going up for rent (through prudential) as of January 1st, we are praying that it will be rented fast! Its not expensive (its cheaper than most one bedrooms, and is a 2bedroom 1 1/2 bath) and its in good shape, hopefully it will rent asap.

The year ahead will definitely come with its share of struggles...but i am at a place in my life where i am ready to live life to the fullest, and i'm not getting any younger.
You only live one life on this earth, make the most of it!

The Myriad's Randy Miller

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZwEpoJix4w

Please go watch this video.

New Year's Resolution

So...after careful thought and consideration i have decided to try the vegetarian lifestyle for 30 days. I have been feeling like crap lately and really want to start eating healthier, i realize this can be done whilst eating meat, but i want the challenge of having a meatless diet so that i will have to insert more fruits and vegetables into my diet.

I have been surfing the web and preparing different recipes for the new year and i am really excited, the cuisine is full of indian, japanese, and other ethnic food influences and i am so ready to get out of the food rutt i have been in. I'm looking forward to using spices that i have never used.....bring on the chana masala!

Old pic....eatin' me some pork rinds.....

If, after the 30 days, i feel really good, i may stick with it. I know the challenge it will be to keep up with it, but i am preparing myself, and i am diligently studying the options that i have for proteins. I have support too, and that is important. Me and the BFF are embarking on this together, we are even cutting out refined sugars!! That is going to be difficult! I love me some pastries! But I know this will help my overall health.

After a good holiday season filled with ham, and goodies, bring on the veggies.

Here is a great website full of info on going veg! http://www.goveg.com/